cleaning house and hitting the road

I love to clean house, for many reasons, not the least of which is that it makes me feel in control of something. Today, though, I’ve been in a frenzy of dusting, scrubbing, mopping, sweeping and vacuuming. This is because I am going on a trip. Not even a long trip, just a short four-day road trip to Virginia. But every time I go away, I am struck with a compulsion to clean my house from top to bottom.

I have so many other, much more important things to do before I leave, such as straightening out my files to prepare my tax returns. No way. So as I’m scrubbing, I’m thinking, why am I doing this? I think I finally figured it out.

The obvious reason is that if anything happens to me when I am gone--like I’m run over by a Mack truck or I have a stroke or something nice like that--then no one will come into my house and think, gee, what a slob. This is a household variant of the Nice Underwear Rule. (Remember? You have to wear nice underwear whenever you go out in case you end up in the emergency room and a doctor has to see you undressed.) If your floors shine and your sinks are spotless, people who come in to settle your estate and take your books will think you lived a spotless life.

So what’s with the intimations of mortality? Forget that--what’s with the constant dread that something bad is going to happen? That’s where the childhood stuff finally got knocked loose this morning, somewhere along with the mold stuck to the bottom of the shower door. As little girls, every night before we climbed into bed, my sisters and I had to kneel and say our prayers. One line always struck fear into my heart: “If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” What a thing for a child to fall asleep thinking about. The dread, the anxiety, the possibility--no, the likelihood, so real that people wrote prayers for children to recite, to ward off the complications that would attend death. No wonder falling asleep can become problematic.

Sunday school gave me no end of troubles, I remembered as I was cleaning. The Virgin Mary? Well, if that could happen to her, did that mean it could happen to me? To my sisters? My girlfriends? And my parents would never believe me, if I woke up pregnant, and told them I had had nothing to do with it. On it went. Much of religious teaching is tricky for young, overactive imaginations.

And that’s why I am cleaning house. Because I will die before I wake, someday, and I want to make sure that my soul can travel lightly, without having to look for a mop.


Pamela Terry and Edward said...

You know, I do the same thing. But honestly, I think I do it so I will have a wonderful welcome home. There is nothing I hate worse than returning from a lovely trip, to a messy house. I am sitting here staring at my soul, and really I cannot say that I would care what people might say about my housekeeping skills if I were gone. I'd be well on to other things.

But I do agree about childhood frights generated by Sunday school. I remember clearly the pastor coming to visit one sunny afternoon. I was so frightened of him that, when he came in the front door, I took my dog and ran out the back. My mother was mortified. But I felt better. Later I learned not to always equate God with with how he is so often represented in churches, a lesson that today serves me well.

So wonderful to read you again!!

Mrs. Blandings said...

Unlike you, I hate to clean, but my house is spotless when I leave for a trip for the very same reason. I read an article once about a woman who had disappeared and her neighbors said she must have met with foul play as her vacuum cleaner was in her kitchen. It gave leaving for carpool a new anxiety.

But the immaculate conception part of the story is my favorite.

~~Melissa said...

"But every time I go away, I am struck with a compulsion to clean my house from top to bottom."

I have the very same compulsion. Even when I go on day trips. Part of me wants it all lovely and clean so that I will feel refreshed upon returning. The other part wants it lovely and clean, in case it turns out to be my final expression. My family, on the other hand, just want to get out the door and get going.

Deana Sidney said...

When I lost my parents last year it did make me think about "if I die". Going through 90 years of possessions was a journey through their lives. When I start a film I always think of possessions that belong to a character. What is kept, what is shown, what is hidden and what is missing tells you so much about a person. Why did they save a 1962 theatre ticket? What will be made of my material possessions when I die? What story will be made for me? As for the clean... that is another story to be told.

Thanks for your lovely blog.

Layanee said...

I am recovering from the same childhood prayer trauma. I must say I was good at memorizing and reciting without thinking about the words. Protective mechanism I guess. As for cleaning, it just goes on and on. It is nice to come home to a clean house though. Safe travels.

maggiegracecreates said...

Dominique, I have been a huge fan of yours for such a long time. Glad to find you here. I have added you to my google reader and can wait for the book to be released.

Unlike you, travel does not trigger cleaning for me. I just have an understanding with close friends that they will come and clean up and hide the liquor before the family comes to funeral visitation.

Have a safe trip.

Anonymous said...

So lovely to see you here on my computer, giving me permission...no, direction.... to slow the racing thoughts, put aside the to-do list, and watch the rise and fall of the sleeping cat's tummy. Sure beats Norvasc.

tdm said...

I can also relate to this compulsion to clean- My spouse, also male, honestly does not see dust, dirt, debris or disorder. And has students in the house for lessons constantly. His friends cannot understand why he objects to my request he leave the house for a period while the dust flies....

Regarding the issue of entering a house after a death: I was looking at properties, several years ago - imagine the shock that the agent and had as we entered a house where it looked as if the inhabitant had been suddenly whisked away (to the hospital, never to return). It was akin to a crime scene...fascinatingly ordinary, yet foreboding at the same time. We were trespassing in this other person's life.
Apologies were sent later - the agent complained, and we we informed that the estate had provided us with access - hoping for a quick sale. The children were out of the country and not looking to return to clean out the house. A sad end all round.

scribbler50 said...

To tip-toe back to the religion aspect, while you girls were contemplating the Virgin birth and the perils of "what if?", we boys were told to take rosary beads to bed and wrap them around our right hands. And look at the mess those clowns are in now!
Enjoy your four-day jaunt, Dominique, and don't worry about a thing... the glint from your Minwax shine can be seen here in Manhattan!

emily Valli said...

"If I should die before I wake" recited nightly also caused me many sleepless nights as a child. I'd lie in my bed, wide awake, waiting...
Emily Valli

Anonymous said...


Tried to post a comment yesterday, but I think it went into the comment black hole.

I read your NYT's piece. Holy shit. When that went down I assumed the staff was screwed but somehow you would be taken care of and folded into Conde Nast in some other role. I had no idea it was one of those "pack your stuff and get out" scenarios for you. Same exact thing happened to me about 15 months ago and spent several months eating and napping and taking long walks in Central Park with the dog. Finally said ENUF is ENUF and started my own business. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Best of luck with all your future endeavors - great article in the Times and the blog looks great.
All the best, Will

Tricia Rose said...

My eighty-eight year old mother had a crisis last week, and though all is now well I have been scouring, clearing and demolishing like a dervish. She lives far away but I have promised her I will be the one to go through her things, and even though she is now out of danger I can't help but think, this is how it will happen.

So in part I was tiring myself out, in part trying to create order in just one area I could control. For her soothing and practical suggestion, many thanks to maggiegracecreates!

Unknown said...

What a wonderful discovery it was for me to be introduced to you through your NY TIMES piece. After 10 years in a demanding job I have taken what one could call an "early (temporary) retirement" to make way for new adventures. Just two weeks into it, life...and death...have made this a profound crossroads. I want to honor it all. And along the way I will happily check in with what you are doing via your blog. Already, I want to say thank you for the introduction to the art of judyth van amringe.

Splenderosa said...

The Virgin Mary thought is priceless. I do the same thing about cleaning & putting everything in order. My thought was "don't want to come home to a mess." But, you're making me think it's completely different. So, now I'm thinking.
xx's Marsha
Come see me, we have a GIVEAWAY going on

Victoria Thorne said...

When all of our children were very little, I would often start off on vacation with 3 hours of sleep, max., exhausted by the packing and stowing of gear (the Volvo station wagon full to the brim) and the careful certainty that not a soup spoon was out of place in the house...all for the very reasons you have mentioned.

[And (as for prayers) I'll admit "now and at the hour of our death" was the bit that shook me every night.]

Dominique, your write about a clean house & the Virgin Mary and the rest of us are given the chance to take a deep breath (sweet respite!) and proceed with a cleaner slate. It's a pure delight, it is. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

So thrilled to find you again, Dominique! (Thanks to Mrs. Blandings.) Like others, I had no idea that you were treated so horribly when H&G ended. I looked and looked for you, your writing--not thinking that you were struggling with loss.

Wonderful blog! Can totally relate to today's post--I usually change all the beds before going on vacation--just wacky.

Best wishes to you and the success of the new book.

Vava (aka Virginia) said...

It is not my deal, cleaning...ever. HOWEVER, a road trip always means before we leave: hubby has to pay last minute bills, and vacuum the car. Lord, help me. After many years, I now know our departure shall be 2 hours LATER than planned. I hope I have your new book before the next road trip. I'll read it while he pays bills!

Jacqueline said...

I have to clean before I go away as a neighbor comes over to take care of our dog and our hens.

I've decided when I get old I'm getting rid of everything, except dishes and cutlery for two, a couple of pans, my fave artwork and minimum books, etc, etc. And just decorate my abode with rocks, shells, branches, everything that can go back to nature.
Maybe I should do that now, cleaning would be easy peasy :)

I still have all my back copies of House & garden. It was my fave mag. (I'll donate them to someone worthy one day - not yet!)

Enjoy your time off while you can.

sarajo frieden said...

i stumbled upon your blog via dear ada and then read your nyt piece, which i had somehow missed. thank you for all the shared wisdom!

ArchitectDesign™ said...

How funny, like you (and apparently many others) I do the same thing. I always thought I was just crazy! AND like you, I grew up saying the same prayer! I never put together the connection but now I just gained an insight into my psychi. Thank you!

Notes From ABroad said...

I'll tell you, I feel like I hit the jackpot every time I think about how I stumbled upon your Blog ! After leaving the US and not getting my magazines here in Buenos Aires , and not even knowing about the terrible parting of ways with H&G .. and here you are. And here I am.

Some things are so simple and yet, make things Right in the World .. or at least my world.

As to this Cleaning Thing ... I used to do it, I no longer do it.
I like no longer doing it, better.
Someone does it, just not me. So the house is still clean when I return. Or wake.

home before dark said...

So, Bon Ami, this whole cleaning thing is trying to aim for Immaculate Perception? I like coming home to a clean home, too. It's a gift to myself. Now about the final accounting thing. I'm not going to worry about it. Life happens. Death happens. And life goes on. Enjoy your trip.

Ruth Henriquez said...

Yes I do understand about this cleaning bug; I've had it since I was three years old, living in a foster home. I know this because as an adult I got ahold of my records from the county social services, and it was noted that "she likes to keep her area very neat and tidy." For me it's always been about keeping chaos at bay. It works.

Also, a clean house is much more aesthetically pleasing, for those who care about Beauty.

Anonymous said...

Read the NY Times piece three times. Your story gave me the courage to part with some jewelry in order to keep my business going until some deals close and cash comes in again. The jewelry was accumulated painstakingly over the past twenty five years. Like your job and home it was part of what defined me. You've landed on your feet splendidly and I hope I will too. I look forward to reading your book!

Tracy Watier said...

I used to do this. Keep my interior affairs in order at all times. More compulsivley than I do it now anyway. But I've been thinking lately that I should get back to it. God forbid something should happen and anyone besides me has to deal with this disheveled mess that is my office. So not fair.

Anonymous said...

I read the NYT article and just thought ... about how bereft I felt when H&G was discontinued. It was not lost on me either that this occurred over the holidays. I immediately bought everything I could find that you wrote. And enjoyed it immensely. But, I wondered what became of Dominique. When I would come across an article you had written, like "Starck beauty"(?), I felt like I had heard from a long lost friend. I loved your column best in H&G, but also the format, photos and the paper. To add insult to injury CN decided, w/o my approval, to send me the shortlived Domino. In fact, I was so hooked on H&G, I subscribed to the british version. Alas, while the lovely photos and feel of the magazine is similar, your missing column makes it an empty imitation. I just want to say, congratulations on your new life and your new book which will soon be added to my collection. I look forward to reading your writings for a long time to come.

bunny, The Paris House said...

I have read everything you have written, at least that I can get my hands on. I remember crying when your sons left your home for college, thinking that someday my boys would leave me. I don't know if I will be strong enough to handle that. You make me want to be a better gardener, you have no idea how inspiring you are. Be strong you are incredible.

Anonymous said...

A mi me pasa lo mismo cuando voy a salir unos días de viaje. Aunque coincido con la opinión de que al regresar, es mejor encontrar orden, que todo revuelto.
Costumbres, rituales que vamos construyendo en la vida. Como que necesito levantarme cada mañana por el lado derecho de la cama. Y después de enjuagarme La Boca, prepararme una taza del mejor café. Ya con la taza en la mano abir una puerta y respirar profundo y sentir el aire puro.

P.Gaye Tapp at Little Augury said...

I commented today about how I do hate to clean, and yes the same prayer caused many a sleepless night. I just never thought about cleaning as one of the things to worry about, though clean underwear was emphasized from an early age.They do say cleanliness is next to Godliness. Perhaps I should reconsider.pgt

Anonymous said...

SO glad to have found you again!

For those wanting to use that prayer without scaring the @%$!# out of their children, may I offer my mother's version:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Your love go with me through the night
and wake me with the morning light

Peng S C said...

Dear Ms Browning,
I, too am 'cleaning' house. It's not just the physical house, more so the emotional ones as I am journeying through 20 years of marriage that is slowly dissipating. I am in the process of sorting and boxing up only what is ultimately most important in order to raise my 2 beautiful children. Yes, it may not be enough for the future, but it will do for now. With a less than full box, it will help us to find space for new memories, new commitments, new acquaintances, challenges and positive directions. Somehow, I can feel the blessings coming already. May you be blessed too.

Peng S C

katy elliott said...

Nice to find your blog and voice again. I have to have my house clean before I go away for the same reason. And how nice is it to come home to a clean house and clean bed sheets? Love that feeling.

Ana said...

Just read your piece in the NYTimes, Losing it, and loved it and here I am, subscribing to your blog without having read it. You hit the nail on the head Dominique about what it's like to be unemployed. Especially for us middle agers. The middle-aged women are becoming and remaining unemployed in droves. It's blatant ageism and no one is doing or hardly saying a thing about it. Thanks for laying it all out there so graphically.

Project Girl said...

I was introduced to you and the fantastic except from your book via Dallas Dirt -- thanks Candy! (http://dallasdirt.dmagazine.com/) It was such a great read -- I forwarded the link to several friends. And then I followed a link and found your blog, and just finished reading the entire thing start to finish -- I positively love it! I've added it to my list of morning blog reads.

I admire your journey, and your honoring of the moments; I try to do the same. My heart wrenched for you in selling your house and garden; I bought an 80 year old Tudor last year, and I think of it as the house I will die in... and this year is my first Spring in the house and I am gardening like a fiend -- before work and after work, and into the night by the light of the yard light! My neighbors just stare in wonder... (www.my1929tudor.blogspot.com)

I look forward to your posts! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

Colleen said...

So glad to have found you again through the NY Times article. I dearly miss House & Garden, and I've always enjoyed your writing. All the best with your book and blog. Carry on!

Lee Moates said...

I love this, Dominique!! I can so relate with everything you wrote today.....and I just figured out why I have carried a life long fear of dying suddenly and it has to be that prayer I also prayed over and over again as a child! LOL! My sisters and I have a pact if any one of us dies suddenly we will immediately go to the one's house who has died and clean, clean, clean! Just hope we don't all go together on one of our sisters' trips!!
So glad I found you and your blog....your article in the NY Times brought me to tears...beautifully written from the heart!

Laura Novak said...

I too just read your piece in the NYT's. I recall when you published an article about my husband's design work. It was very exciting and we sent you and your editor small gifts from Gumps in S.F. Then, unexpectedly, you sent us a hard-bound copy of the issue with the article about Mark. Perhaps you did that for all of your subjects, but we were so impressed and delighted! It was a gracious, lovely gesture on your part. I am not surprised to see you expressing those same attributes in this blog. Best of luck, Laura

Anonymous said...

I do the exact same thing. How reassuring to know there is another - at least one other - who feels the need to clean the entire house before a trip. And, you're right, this is why we do it...should we perish while away everything will be clean and orderly....as if we had it all together.
Thanks for the words.

Suzanne from Los Angeles

Penni Wisner said...

You were cleaning, I was wrangling buckets to save rainwater, and the East Coast drowned. I was so touched by your NYT Magazine article. Back in the 70s and 80s I was at H&G, last as the Wine & Food Editor and left the magazine, a marriage, and the state in 1981 less than a year before the magazine decided to become a sort of Architectural Digest and get rid of all staff not in decorating and architecture. The recreation of a life is not just once, but if we are lucky and live long enough, it will happen perforce again and again and again.

Anonymous said...

I sincerely LOVE reading whatever it is you write - columns, books, blog ... you have a beautiful way of expressing feelings, fears, hopes, mussings, .... I am so thankful I found you again.

Yes, I subscribed to H&G, mainly to read your editorial. Really. (I am more of a Met Home kind of gal, now dead too ...)

So finding your byline in the NYT was like a WOW ... click, read. Oh, how I enjoyed reading it. Knot in stomach, constricted throat, finally tears.

Thank you!

vicki archer said...

I like your logic Dominique!
I am also a 'tidier before I leave' person...I have never thought it is because I won't come back but rather that when I do come back I will be rewarded by my handiwork. I am also the woman who likes to leave hotel rooms reasonably tidy...What does that mean I wonder? xv

Norma Irene said...

Alguién mando el link "Losing It " enrriquecedor de verdad.
Soy artista visual, casada con tres hijos adultos en casa, una familia de cinco miembros. Vivo en un diario autodebate entre mi vida profesional y familiar. En México
la casa, los horarios, la limpieza, el menú de la hora de la comida entre las 2:00 y 3:00 p.m
adquieren una formalidad impresionante.
Y bueno, para ellos importo mas como mamá que como artista.
me encanto encontrar este blog !

Anonymous said...

Ah, Dominique. What a treat today is, finding your blog, the book already pre-ordered, having heard Tina Brown today on NPR...how I have missed your column and H&G! Finished out my H&G subscription with Arch. Digest (gimme a break!) So terribly sorry to hear how badly you were treated. Who knew? I'm thrilled to be able to read you - read the first two books and my own garden means more to me now because of those. Your writing touches me. Cheers and carry on! Cant' wait to read more.

Green Key said...

Like so many who have commented, I also clean before I travel. When I was married, I would clean with great intensity - during arguments! To some degree, for me, like you, it has to do with control. Traveling always requires giving up a certain amount of control. I enjoy the spaciousness of travel, the unpredictability, but it makes me a little anxious too!

katiedid said...

Unfortunately, my house is never as clean as I'd like. I barely have time to pack for a trip, let alone make sure the lights are off when I leave. that is the result of a lay off and start of a new business, kids, dogs and husband. And what the heck happened to the funds to hire some help anyway?

The beauty of it all is finding that blogging has helped my business, AND led me back to you via your blog! I look forward to many visits and to the thunk of your book when the mailman drops it through my mail slot.

Anonymous said...

I was so upset when H & G disappeared.... your column was one of my favorites. But thanks to your old school chum, James Wolcott, I've found you again! It's really not fair the way you were treated. But I've been around long enough to know that life is not fair......as the President of my youth once said.

Also, add me to the If I Should Die victims list... I'm 72 and still think of that almost every nite

Anonymous said...

Dear Dominique,
I have missed your magazine, your columns and most of all, working with you. Your blog is perfect and comforting. Thank you for sharing.
Chuck Comeau
The Dessin Fournir Companies

Unknown said...

Dominique - I am so excited that you are blogging. You were my absolute favorite editor when you were with House and Garden and I devoured your first book. I loved how your editorials always went beyond just houses and design, and reached deep into our psyches to address what draws us to these things. I am so excited you are online and just had to tell you! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and insights with us!

Pamela in Portland, OR

Dominique said...


Now I'm going to turn off the caps lock to thank you all for your comments. It is quite thrilling and very, very different from print publishing (duh) to be able to have this kind of response and interaction. It is one thing to know it, another to experience it. I'm just saying....

I wish I knew how to insert comments individually (it is on the list of Things To Learn). Instead, I'll just gather thoughts together: I LOVE that you noticed my Bon Ami wink, and LOVE the line about the Immaculate Perception. Of course! That's what I want!

And yes, I do feel better when I come home and the house is clean, though I can never figure out where those spiders hide and how they manage to spin so many little packets of protein together and leave them lying around so audaciously. They don't care if I see them. They know I can never clean them away.

The house I will grow old and die in, someone said about a lovely Tudor. I thought of my old house as my Forever House, and now I'm just thinking of some of my things as my Forever Things, hoping I will be able to pass them on to my children. In making my move out of Pelham I gave away a lot of things. Of course, I gave many of them to my sister, so that I could come visit them--I mean, her--from time to time. And I have Take Back Privileges (she always forgets). But I still do not have a light load.

And yes, there is a lot of ageism happening--but then again, we're going to be losing jobs to our children, so....

Jim Wolcott and I met in the late seventies, when I was a secretary struggling to be an editor at Esquire magazine, and he was as he is now, a terrifically funny writer. His wife Laura Jacobs writes beautiful novels and I think I will post about her last one soon as it did not get enough attention!

And thank you for the rewritten prayer. May we have the chance to rewrite many more! (And the wisdom to know which ones to leave alone...) d

Dominique said...

Is there a rule about not writing a comment that is as long as an entry? I'm still sitting here laughing at some of your responses...."my friends will come and hide the liquor before the funeral"....indeed! And the rosary beads wrapped around the boys' right hands! Yikes!

Unknown said...

I feel fortunate to have found your blog after losing the subscription to one of my favorite shelter magazines. I cant believe it took me so long to find you, but nonetheless I am here reading and loving the commentary! I totally get it, and I am on a road trip with my 14 yr old son, hoping my husband and 17 yr at home still have the house clean when we get back! Thanks for the stories. There is a variation on the prayer that i tried to share with my sons because as you point out many of us are freaked out by this childhood prayer! PS when I remember what the variation is I shall share it!
xo spa queen

Anonymous said...

Welcome Home, Dominique! Thanks for the beautiful camillia photos (different thread) and a third thread I've only just now found is here.
First, a slightly tangential comment -- about "ageism". Yes for sure it's a problem for people still in an employable age bracket. I just now scrolled up and down three times trying to find the comment by someone who said she's 72 years old. I'll be 80 in SEVEN months ... and have been -- for a (may I say?) "challenging" twenty years been what I initially joshingly called "prematurely, inadvertently, retired".

This is not a "whine" ... au contraire! This site is a ?godsend? to me so thanks to everyone here ... and, Dominique, not to ?"put a number on"? you -- but if your interest in this format of conversation ever reaches the point of allowing commenters to respond to other comments, do let us all know!

Happy er um Unusual Weekend to All! ;-)

Dominique said...

Gee, I think you can respond to commenters by simply posting a comment --at least, that's what I think I'm doing...thanks for writing! d

Tricia O'Brien said...

I just noticed this post....where have I been? I do the exact same thing. I don't like coming home to a dirty house. I like clean sheets and I don't like dust or dirt. Even when I leave for work in the morning, I like to see clear counters, and floors with nothing marring the view!
Thanks! Glad I am not the only one and not crazy! Tricia

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